friend

the sun has been out lately. it's nice. it's easy to get down after a few days of no sun. and it's really not been all that cold. the plumbing problem got fixed, and christmas came and went. family visited from out of town... and siblings gathered round tables and got along as if nothing ever troubled them. it's almost like halloween - the masks we wear. i didn't put up a tree this year. i didn't put up a light. i didn't catch up with friends like you're suppose to... and i didn't wake up to any treasure come morning. it was kind of like every other day. the radio is my car isn't working and it makes for a very long commute. i talk to myself. i talk to God. i text. i got home last night late. had breakfast for dinner with a beautiful view. the sky was clear. the stars were out when i got home. it was cold. it was quiet. no bark. no gentle ring from a collar. the sunday afternoon before christmas, cooper was hit by a man in a pick-up truck. he had made his way across the street, and when i called he came. i never saw the truck. and he never saw cooper. he had no chance. me and the neighbor carried him into his kennel. i turned his heat lamp on... and layed with him until he stopped breathing. how ridiculous to find a grown man laying in a kennel. in mulch. next to a dog. yet there i was. the ground was frozen. it took an hour to dig the hole. with tears frozen to my face, i wrapped him in a warm blanket that for three years has layed across the back of my couch. i put in a biscuit. and a ball. he loved playing ball. i loved playing ball with him. he was a beautiful black labrador retriever. still a pup and sometimes misunderstood, cooper was well behaved for me and knew the difference between his frisbee and his ball. could catch frisbees. i always wanted a dog that could do that. he loved the woods, going for jeep rides... and wrestling with me. i only hope i was as good of an owner as he was a friend to me. i miss him. christmas was like every other day. there were good things that happened. and bad things that happened. the sun rose and fell. the wind blew. oxygen filled my lungs. i felt blessed to be loved. free. saved. just like every other day.

seems and such

chocolate milk is surprisingly good on cereal. probably not on fruit loops. but granola, yes. cooper will eat absolutely anything. we are a lot alike. yesterday i found myself in a store with a dear friend of mine. it was one of those built for young people. the aisles are narrow, the music is loud, and the smell is somewhat 'armpitesque'. good looking people shop at this store. not me. kids who like wearing labels and brand names. i was looking at scarves. i have five 'off-brand' scarves at home. but there was nothing else to look at. i hesitate in large crowds, always allowing room for movement. when my outlets are constricted, i panic. christmas is a time when stores are overwhelmingly full of opportunities for such distress. i have been hit three times this year with shopping carts, tripped and fell over two small children, and nearly collapsed from heat exhaustion and dehydration in a dressing room. where is the fire marshall anyway? on saturday my family stocked stockings for 350 some kids in the community that may not have a christmas. it's something my dad organizes. he's pretty incredible... and i'm thankful i have a father who has been such a good example over the years. one who's served. sacrificed for his family and us kids. and given to those in need. your good deeds have never gone untreasured. today it's not suppose to get above freezing. it's cold make no mistake about it. the plumbing appears to be fixed, but i'm still missing a toilet. i have no lights this year. no tree. no inflatable santa. and no reindeer on the roof. call me a scrooge if you will. don't get me wrong, holiday decor is fun to look at but a pain to put on kinda like a leotard. tomorrow i'm attending a christmas party. it will be stellar. i'm quite excited about if for a number of reasons. none i care to discuss at this time... and really for no reason. the economy continues to suck like a hoover, and i wonder when i will lose my job, house, or hair. wedding mints were invented by someone who hates people.

fresh breath

cooper was basking in the warm glow of his heat lamp this morning when i went out to feed him. i wondered if he's aware of the current economic conditions. it's all a bit scary. it seems every day some company announces it's laying off a fraction of their work force. and just in time for the holidays. merry christmas, you're fired. what a treat. my folks decorated their tree this week. it's a beautiful tall slender thing that adorns the room. something out of a magazine. not at all filled with lollipop stick frames and felt candy canes. the stores are kinda empty too. people don't have the money to shop... or maybe they are buying more online. less connection with others. it's all so boring and grey. one of my nephews discovered the truth about santa. i'm sure some little punk at school told him. it makes me want to dress up like the fat man and go to that kids house and sit on him. "there - see... how's that feel? do you believe in me now?" i think that's probably what jesus feels like some days... he just wants to sit on us. this morning i passed a woman in her car brushing her teeth. how is that possible. perhaps she had one of those new vehicles with optional sink. i forget to do a lot of things in the morning, brushing my teeth is not one. and you will never catch me saying, "i will just brush my teeth in the car". just doesn't seem right. a toothbrush is still affordable. a couple bucks. nothing much else is. gas is getting cheaper. perhaps this year my loved ones will receive a gallon of gas and a bright red oral hygiene tool. a jolly thought i would think. presentation is everything.

ho ho ho

the holidays are in full swing aside from the lack of snowfall and good cheer. the time of the year when people set aside their differences and embrace the spirit of old saint nick. what's a fat guy in tights have anything to do with this holiday? or a mall full of greedy shoppers ready to sideline you with a blow from a shopping cart for that matter? don't get me wrong. i do enjoy the holidays. i've thought about legally changing my name to santa even. when i was 4. there just seems to be a buzz. it also doesn't hurt that it's the time of year when little dwarf like creatures make themselves small enough to fit through your keyhole and unlock your door to treasures and wonder. at least that's what i heard once at school. i do enjoy the short folks. i've found that 'wonder' seems to quickly fade away as you get older. i don't so much wonder how the jolly fella makes it around the entire world in one night... instead i wonder why people christmas shop in sweatpants and antler hats. why the woman in front of me at the checkout can't seem to detach her face from her phone long enough to greet the friendly cashier on the other side of the register. why fruitcake still exists. and why people camp out in front of electronic stores 12 hours before they are open to buy the latest and greatest gift, that will surely be on sale next week. i just don't get it. it was cold this morning. i'd like to buy cooper a giant blanket he could curl up in and stay warm at night with... but i know he'd eat it. he's eaten part of his house. just the entry way. perhaps it's too small for him. i'm glad the week is over. i should've mowed one last time before it got this cold. i like peppermint more than spearmint any day of the week, but i wouldn't say i'm a huge fan of either. i think texting is slowly killing me. i feel the arthritis in my fingers every morning when i wake. i wish i had invented the post-it note. i love them.

digging out

turkey was fine. i can't say anything spectacular about it. it's a bird, after all. it could've been an amazingly productive time off. it was not. today it snowed and this weekend i walked by the sax guy downtown. he plays for tips. and i think it keeps him warm. the buildings do little to contain the blistering winds. my old high school won the state championship in football. i took the long way home. spent sunday morning on the 11th pew. sang old hymns of thanksgiving. the leaves have mostly fallen. it makes the trees look grim. the sky gets dark sooner... as if to say it's closing time. the cool air makes it easy to run from one place to the next. i heard a man from poland speak a week or two back. he said, "the only thing worse than being passed by... is to pass by." i hope and pray in the weeks ahead... i will look at those i pass by, and help them if they need it. i still have a gigantic hole in my backyard. i think my friend is coming over to help me fix it. a patch here and there. she'll be good as new.