friend

the sun has been out lately. it's nice. it's easy to get down after a few days of no sun. and it's really not been all that cold. the plumbing problem got fixed, and christmas came and went. family visited from out of town... and siblings gathered round tables and got along as if nothing ever troubled them. it's almost like halloween - the masks we wear. i didn't put up a tree this year. i didn't put up a light. i didn't catch up with friends like you're suppose to... and i didn't wake up to any treasure come morning. it was kind of like every other day. the radio is my car isn't working and it makes for a very long commute. i talk to myself. i talk to God. i text. i got home last night late. had breakfast for dinner with a beautiful view. the sky was clear. the stars were out when i got home. it was cold. it was quiet. no bark. no gentle ring from a collar. the sunday afternoon before christmas, cooper was hit by a man in a pick-up truck. he had made his way across the street, and when i called he came. i never saw the truck. and he never saw cooper. he had no chance. me and the neighbor carried him into his kennel. i turned his heat lamp on... and layed with him until he stopped breathing. how ridiculous to find a grown man laying in a kennel. in mulch. next to a dog. yet there i was. the ground was frozen. it took an hour to dig the hole. with tears frozen to my face, i wrapped him in a warm blanket that for three years has layed across the back of my couch. i put in a biscuit. and a ball. he loved playing ball. i loved playing ball with him. he was a beautiful black labrador retriever. still a pup and sometimes misunderstood, cooper was well behaved for me and knew the difference between his frisbee and his ball. could catch frisbees. i always wanted a dog that could do that. he loved the woods, going for jeep rides... and wrestling with me. i only hope i was as good of an owner as he was a friend to me. i miss him. christmas was like every other day. there were good things that happened. and bad things that happened. the sun rose and fell. the wind blew. oxygen filled my lungs. i felt blessed to be loved. free. saved. just like every other day.

seems and such

chocolate milk is surprisingly good on cereal. probably not on fruit loops. but granola, yes. cooper will eat absolutely anything. we are a lot alike. yesterday i found myself in a store with a dear friend of mine. it was one of those built for young people. the aisles are narrow, the music is loud, and the smell is somewhat 'armpitesque'. good looking people shop at this store. not me. kids who like wearing labels and brand names. i was looking at scarves. i have five 'off-brand' scarves at home. but there was nothing else to look at. i hesitate in large crowds, always allowing room for movement. when my outlets are constricted, i panic. christmas is a time when stores are overwhelmingly full of opportunities for such distress. i have been hit three times this year with shopping carts, tripped and fell over two small children, and nearly collapsed from heat exhaustion and dehydration in a dressing room. where is the fire marshall anyway? on saturday my family stocked stockings for 350 some kids in the community that may not have a christmas. it's something my dad organizes. he's pretty incredible... and i'm thankful i have a father who has been such a good example over the years. one who's served. sacrificed for his family and us kids. and given to those in need. your good deeds have never gone untreasured. today it's not suppose to get above freezing. it's cold make no mistake about it. the plumbing appears to be fixed, but i'm still missing a toilet. i have no lights this year. no tree. no inflatable santa. and no reindeer on the roof. call me a scrooge if you will. don't get me wrong, holiday decor is fun to look at but a pain to put on kinda like a leotard. tomorrow i'm attending a christmas party. it will be stellar. i'm quite excited about if for a number of reasons. none i care to discuss at this time... and really for no reason. the economy continues to suck like a hoover, and i wonder when i will lose my job, house, or hair. wedding mints were invented by someone who hates people.

fresh breath

cooper was basking in the warm glow of his heat lamp this morning when i went out to feed him. i wondered if he's aware of the current economic conditions. it's all a bit scary. it seems every day some company announces it's laying off a fraction of their work force. and just in time for the holidays. merry christmas, you're fired. what a treat. my folks decorated their tree this week. it's a beautiful tall slender thing that adorns the room. something out of a magazine. not at all filled with lollipop stick frames and felt candy canes. the stores are kinda empty too. people don't have the money to shop... or maybe they are buying more online. less connection with others. it's all so boring and grey. one of my nephews discovered the truth about santa. i'm sure some little punk at school told him. it makes me want to dress up like the fat man and go to that kids house and sit on him. "there - see... how's that feel? do you believe in me now?" i think that's probably what jesus feels like some days... he just wants to sit on us. this morning i passed a woman in her car brushing her teeth. how is that possible. perhaps she had one of those new vehicles with optional sink. i forget to do a lot of things in the morning, brushing my teeth is not one. and you will never catch me saying, "i will just brush my teeth in the car". just doesn't seem right. a toothbrush is still affordable. a couple bucks. nothing much else is. gas is getting cheaper. perhaps this year my loved ones will receive a gallon of gas and a bright red oral hygiene tool. a jolly thought i would think. presentation is everything.

ho ho ho

the holidays are in full swing aside from the lack of snowfall and good cheer. the time of the year when people set aside their differences and embrace the spirit of old saint nick. what's a fat guy in tights have anything to do with this holiday? or a mall full of greedy shoppers ready to sideline you with a blow from a shopping cart for that matter? don't get me wrong. i do enjoy the holidays. i've thought about legally changing my name to santa even. when i was 4. there just seems to be a buzz. it also doesn't hurt that it's the time of year when little dwarf like creatures make themselves small enough to fit through your keyhole and unlock your door to treasures and wonder. at least that's what i heard once at school. i do enjoy the short folks. i've found that 'wonder' seems to quickly fade away as you get older. i don't so much wonder how the jolly fella makes it around the entire world in one night... instead i wonder why people christmas shop in sweatpants and antler hats. why the woman in front of me at the checkout can't seem to detach her face from her phone long enough to greet the friendly cashier on the other side of the register. why fruitcake still exists. and why people camp out in front of electronic stores 12 hours before they are open to buy the latest and greatest gift, that will surely be on sale next week. i just don't get it. it was cold this morning. i'd like to buy cooper a giant blanket he could curl up in and stay warm at night with... but i know he'd eat it. he's eaten part of his house. just the entry way. perhaps it's too small for him. i'm glad the week is over. i should've mowed one last time before it got this cold. i like peppermint more than spearmint any day of the week, but i wouldn't say i'm a huge fan of either. i think texting is slowly killing me. i feel the arthritis in my fingers every morning when i wake. i wish i had invented the post-it note. i love them.

digging out

turkey was fine. i can't say anything spectacular about it. it's a bird, after all. it could've been an amazingly productive time off. it was not. today it snowed and this weekend i walked by the sax guy downtown. he plays for tips. and i think it keeps him warm. the buildings do little to contain the blistering winds. my old high school won the state championship in football. i took the long way home. spent sunday morning on the 11th pew. sang old hymns of thanksgiving. the leaves have mostly fallen. it makes the trees look grim. the sky gets dark sooner... as if to say it's closing time. the cool air makes it easy to run from one place to the next. i heard a man from poland speak a week or two back. he said, "the only thing worse than being passed by... is to pass by." i hope and pray in the weeks ahead... i will look at those i pass by, and help them if they need it. i still have a gigantic hole in my backyard. i think my friend is coming over to help me fix it. a patch here and there. she'll be good as new.

thanks

tomorrow is thanksgiving eve. do good. i'm a bit scatter-brained this day so any chance a fluid thought would appear in my written word is fleeting. so instead i present a list of all the many things i find a reason to be thankful for. my ability to think. my god. my mom. my dad. my ability to walk. my breath. my freedom. my eyes. my hands. mountains. twigs. reflections. blue sky. my jeep. laughter. touch. honesty. those who are braver than i. those who are wiser than i. those who are more patient than i. pizza. peanut butter. music. babies. sweet tea. risk. reward. ink pens that write well. spoons. a good watch. roller coasters. leaves. air conditioning. fire. heat. watermelon anything. a bed. a blanket. a pillow. old people who are still in love. my soul. turkey. a roof. the cat. cooper. well water. dog slobber.

give thanks to the lord, call on his name; make known among the nations what he has done. 1 chron 16:8

bell ringer

it was cold last night. bitterly cold. i stopped at the grocery store to pick up a few things. i had a small list i had written in ink on my arm. i heard her bell. a woman who appeared to be middle-aged, volunteering her time for the salvation army. she had black snow pants on. not for snow, we haven't had any but for warmth. white shoes. a thick red coat that looked like the heaviest rug i've ever seen, and a scarf pulled over top her head. she rang that bell. and rang that bell. and rang that bell some more. it seemed as though she were getting paid per ring. she was full of joy. you could hear it in her voice as she wished each person who walked by her a happy holidays. i thought to myself when i walked by, more bell ringers should be like this woman. until last night it hadn't felt like the holidays. but she exuded what this time of year is all about. i gathered my things in the store, and bundled up for the cold long walk to my car. as i wished her a goodnight and threw a dollar in her red can, the sign above her head caught my eye. it simply read, "doing the most good". i have to admit... i spent most of the ride home thinking about it. doing the most good? how can they say that? how can they claim that their organization does the most good with their monetary donations? i work in advertising. i understand this concept to reach the publics mind. who wouldn't want to donate to a cause that does the most good? but still in my mind it takes away from the child who donates all of his piggy bank earnings, or an elderly man who gives every last bit of his energy to the homeless and in-need in the community. maybe they are doing the most good. who's to say?! and then it hit me. maybe they didn't mean "doing the most good", but instead meant "doing the most... good." it just made sense to me. the most any of us can do. good. what's the most you can do? good. the sky was clear that night... and the moon lit up the sky. they say snow is on the way. the car warmed up quickly and i felt thankful toward whoever invented heat. it seems you learn from an early age to excel. to win in life. to achieve. the degree. the wife. the house. the cars. the kids. all the steps one must go through in order to achieve a level of greatness. in the next few weeks, i will be reminded that the most any of us can do.. is good. 

louie's

cooper was pretty pumped this morning. we played ball for a while... and walked through the woods. i love when all the trees lose their leaves... and the once dark dirty ground becomes a field of ambers, browns, and golds. it was a chilly morning. but a good one. a refreshing one. i had the best asian chicken salad last night at louie's. i couldn't tell you a thing about it. other than it was stunning. 4 and a half hours of stunning. i'm still having plumbing problems. i woke up this morning with a small pond in my bathroom. this is not a feature of my house. i will call a plumber during my lunch hour, and look forward to going broke. the cat woke me up this morning. i'd like to have his voicebox removed. they do that sorta thing, ya know? he's obese... and has been motivation for me to go to the gym. i'm sure he'd get a membership to a fitness center if he could go places. but he's a cat. he sits on the couch. makes noise. eats. and licks himself all day. it snowed a bit this weekend. i'm not ready for that. but a story on friday i look forward to, with a new beard and a warm heart... the winter doesn't look so cold.

spoon fed

I haven't washed dishes in two weeks. ok, that may not be completely true. i have no clean spoons. that's the problem. none. zero. in the past 4 days i have eaten cereal with a gigantic pasta spoon, a soup ladle, measuring spoons and an ice cream scoop. i wish i were joking. the ladle was by far the toughest to maneuver from the bowl to my mouth and required quite a bit of practice in order to master. but master i did. it's amazing just how much cereal one can consume when you enhance the size of your spoon. delicious. cooper and i have an agreement. in the mornings, i let him out of his suite once he has sat for me. he has to sit or he doesn't get out. he always sits. once freed, we walk around the yard... through the woods play some ball and catch the frisbee a few times. every session of his morning playtime is interrupted by what i like to call the 'squat and whizzle'. i have joined him in this morning ritual many a mornings. however, before i leave for the day, and before cooper returns to his suite, he must execute the final transaction. poopy. yes, i said it. poopy. it's a fact of life. cooper must negotiate the release of the chocolate hostage before i depart. most mornings... you will find me standing in the side yard chanting as if a parade were driving by. cooper go poopy... cooper go poopy... cooper go poopy... he understands what i'm saying. he does his thing and runs to his house to be fed. so smart. once i considered legally changing his name to cooper the super duper pooper. i've often wondered how much the sound carries out where i live... is there an older couple while enjoying their morning cup of coffee on the patio look forward to the 7:30 poopy song from the crazy neighbor across the street? i sure hope not. but the thought of it makes me smile. 

commitment

commitment means to pledge to something or someone. this weekend i pledged to run the 500 festival mini marathon on may 2nd, 2009. me and some 34,999 participants will brave the 13.1 mile road course at 7:30 am. this year's theme - fuel the dream. i can't say that i've ever really dreamed about running or fueling for that matter. god did not design me to run. i can do many other things, however running is not one of them. sure, if i was being chased by a bear (which happened once) but why bother otherwise. i have ran the mini marathon 3 times, however it's been a few years since i last participated. my first year went rather well... i think i averaged a 15 minute mile and threw up on myself twice. no worries. mostly gatorade and angel hair pasta from carb-loading the night before. year two... i finished the race. made it to the hospitality tent for a free apple and banana. threw up on myself and passed out. i woke up thirty minutes later on the other side of the campus after being carried via stretcher by a few standby medics. i was hydrated by needles and tubes and found my feet shortly thereafter. i set out a year. figured i had earned it. the third time i ran the mini, and for the first time kept my shirt clean. except for the bloody nipples. i layed in the grass under a tree... and tried to understand what went on in my head at the time of registration. why would i put myself through this? had i forgotten the pain and discomfort i felt the previous years? must have. must have remembered the sense of accomplishment which at the time of finishing far outweighed any foot pain, or cramped side. it's a neat thing to be a part of minus the vaseline. may 2nd i will lace up my kicks and run like the wind... i will stay focused, avoid spandex and dream of fuel.

nevada

it was incredible. always is. we had a great time. met some great people. 'd' for one. i mean... sure let's say that. never pulled a handle, didn't win a dime. regrets? not taking the job when it was offered. would i like the opportunity again. i think so. would do some things differently. the restaurant across the street from our hotel is my favorite. if i knew i was dying tomorrow. 14oz. filet. medium. truffled mac & cheese without a question. we looked good in tuxedos. i owned that town for the night. what a life. today i spent some time in the woods with cooper. they are worlds apart. my life... and the other. i love things about both... but they could never exist at the same time. i guess that's why they say change is inevitable. it is. i feel as though i'm having a hard time letting go this time. i mean. the whole event deeply saddens me... this has nothing to do with much of anything i've previously written... it just feels good to say it. i miss it. there. i'm done. moving on, right? like a parade. i went to a fall parade a few weeks back with my nephews. they didn't throw as much candy from the fire trucks as i had remembered. altogether we salvaged, three pieces of gum... a few dum dums...  and a partially ran over fun sized snickers bar. who decided those were a fun size? i personally prefer the larger ones. up to 2.5 miles most days. trying to become a catch. felt like i once was. those were the days. i fell asleep in a movie theatre last night. threw frisbee with cooper this morning. winterized his suite. tarps to block the cold wind, heated water bowl... i love that dog. he understands me. or pretends to. the best cheeseburger i've ever consumed had a thick slice of grilled pineapple on it. who knew? felt a need to breathe on the third day... and enjoyed my time very much so. it's cold. perhaps warmth is on the way. in some way. 

the results

so... i chose to go to bed last night and forfeit seeing the results of the election. i received a text message shortly after midnight from a friend that read, "welp, the world officially sucks". I knew what that meant. obama won. i find the whole political world rather interesting. most us would despise someone who lies right to our face, however when ones words are finely crafted and delivered in such a convincing way, we tend to overlook any untruth and believe in the possibility that some truth may exist. reports stated obama spent nearly 600 million dollars in the last 4 years to win this election. the office of president of the united states pays $400,000. and we wonder why we find ourselves in economic distress. i felt bad for mccain. what an incredible american hero. and i could've handled seeing palin for the next few years... but alas, i will press on and continue to use big words. i will polish myself like a weathered wingtip and someday choose to become the president of something.

the mouse guy

"Think beyond your lifetime if you want to accomplish something truly worthwhile."

Walt Disney

donkey

the other night on my way home i met a donkey. he didn't have a name so i named him, Donkey. he had gotten out of his fence... and was chewing on a patch of thick grass near the roadside. i pulled the car over. we talked. he is now my friend. Donkey the donkey. this weekend went well. halloween party was dry enough for a fire... and good friends are always pleasant to pass the time with. my kitchen experienced a rave. i shared a cup of awful coffee with some wonderful company. i got lost. i got found. i got cold. i got warm. i drove the jeep today. no top. no doors. it's ridiculously cold. but the sun is out... and there won't be too many more days like it ahead. cooper has pretty much mastered the art of frisbee catching. even on a windy day, he's able to snatch it out of the air. i find myself impressed with his skill and ability to learn quickly. sit cooper, good dog. i still miss fred. doug and i leave for vegas on thursday. i'm looking forward to getting away for a while. it's always a good time. i wonder if Donkey is cold today. perhaps i will buy him some gloves. 

motivation

Saturday afternoon i spent with my nephews. Carter is lets say... 12. J.T. is umm... 9? and Logan... let's go with 6. does that make me a bad uncle that I don't even know how old they are? It seems they grow quicker than big people. They're always having birthdays and quite frankly I find it difficult to keep up with what they like and dislike. One week it's dinosaurs, the next it's hannah montana. I thought taking them for the day would give my sister in law time to sleep (she's a nurse and had worked the night before) and my brother time to catch up on some outside house work. He hasn't mowed his lawn since school started. I had it all figured out. I've been needing to clear my woods of some brush and limbs... and what better way to do that than to recruit a miniature 'grounds crew'. Carter, the oldest seems to understand the idea of 'work'. at times. the other two boys have no idea what it means. After about 15 minutes of carter and I collecting loose limbs, i strolled across the yard to check in on his two younger siblings. Both i found reclining in the hammock. I tried to play the strong 'parent' role... and i threatened to take them home immediately if they didn't get in the woods and pick up sticks now! after all, what did i expect? i wasn't paying them. but they must've gotten the message, because for the next 24 minutes we collected, competed, and compared the size of our tree limb treasures. "breaktime" came quickly... and I knew they were pretty much done for the day. We played football for a bit... and i took them home. I learned a few things from that day. I need to be more patient. I need to realize sticks can be more than just sticks. They can be swords, guns, rocket launchers, and alien antennas. and i learned that i need to spend more time with my nephews. they are pretty cool guys. 

umm.

what the freak? seriously. today has been ridiculous. i'm having difficulty focusing on any one thing... and i'm tired of hearing the people at work talk about politics. i've never been diagnosed with social anxiety disorder, but i think i may have that. i dunno. ok, there you go. I just diagnosed myself. I do have it. or maybe not. It's not that i wig out when i'm around a group of people... I just prefer to go to lunch with one, maybe two folks. dinner for that matter. or the movies. or a concert. it just makes things easier. it's less of a production. I hate productions. people = productions. It's a fact... I'm absolutely fine when all i have to worry about is me, myself and i. throw someone else into the mix and the world turns upside down. okay, maybe that's a bit of a stretch... but i can only concentrate on one thing at a time... and if i'm with ten other people you can bet that it won't be you... or anything you might say. i also hate meetings. i think i have a deficit in my attention disorder. i'll leave it at that... and we'll call it a day. please friday, get here. go palin.

a writing

It's you and me...

we're walking down the street.

Hand in hand tonight

I look around but all I see

is the love that's in your eyes.

and I'm thankful for where I am

I'm thankful for who you are.

You're the reason I believe

You're the reason I am here.

You're the hope and all the wonder that once had disappeared.

You took a scared and lonely child

and brought them back to life.

When hope was just a flicker

and flames began to die.

I drink up all the goodness

Your love fills my cup.

I can't believe I'm holding you

I never want to stop.

Now I'm in your presence

My soul's never been so alive.

It came at such a cost, you see

I know you had to die.

and I'm thankful for where I am

I'm thankful for who you are.

You're the reason I believe.

You're the reason I am here.

plug

Check out Mitch McVicker. He is an incredible musician and songwriter... 

leaves

I spent the night looking at trees,

shattered shadows dancing against the night sky.

I had been there before

this performance was familiar to me.

A leaf fell toward my soul

it landed beyond my reach.

I wanted so badly to dance

but that leaf wasn't meant for me.

writing and spiders

I think i'm gonna write a bit more. I did in college and have gotten away from it since. I figure this may be a good place to get back into the habit. so here it goes...

I will always remember Kwame, age 5

whom i met at the "Stand Down,"

a community service for the homeless.

An angel, ancient wisdom bearer.

We were coloring.

A brand new set of 96 crayolas.

tropical rainforest was his favorite color.

wild watermelon was mine.

He questioned me, "Do you like the color brown...

How 'bout the color black?"

I said "absolutely".

He said "this is my color."

He asked inquisitively,

"do you have a job?"

I said "yes".

He replied "so do I."

I inquired "you do?"

He said "yes, I draw rainbows."

He returned to do another drawing,

brilliant neon colors of tickle pink,

razzle dazzle red and blizzard blue...

He said "it's a rainbow spider watching tv."

I asked, "what does he like to watch?"

"Don't you know?" he laughed...

"rainbows.

i draw rainbows."

go fishing.